A Defence Of Raising Toddlers As A 'Legalist'

“No, you cannot stick your fork in the outlet.”

“No, you cannot run in the parking lot.”

While your 3 year old’s vocabulary is getting larger and their persistence is unparalleled, you don’t waiver in your response (or your firm grasp) when they try to pull away from your hand while walking through the Costco parking lot at 10am on the Saturday before the Super Bowl. “Obey the first time.” You give black and white, clearly defined boundaries because you love your kid and want what is best for them. You give rules and structure that your child’s underdeveloped prefrontal cortex needs. The same goes for bathing after playing outside all day, taking medicine when their fever gets too high, or what time the clock is reading (“I know the sun is still out, but it’s bedtime”).

And as a Christian trying to raise little kids, the same concept of black and white, clearly defined boundaries still apply, however, they extend beyond safety and hygiene: “We only say God’s name when we’re talking to or about Him.” “Our family prays before we eat.” “It is fun to pretend to be a kitty, but God made you a person!” “You are a girl.” As well as the highly debated ones that quickly get pushed into the “legalistic” category: “No, we don’t watch Disney.” “No, we don’t shop at Target.” “No, we don’t celebrate Halloween.”

Some of these rules are obvious Christian norms, such as Biblical disciplines (prayer) and the 10 Commandments (Exodus 20:7), and some are just scientific facts: people are not puppies, and people with vaginas are female. Some of these rules lean more towards a parent’s personal conviction, based on scripture. (Still have a subscription to Disney+? Check out Philippians 4:8 and 1 Thessalonians 5:22.)

God knew what he was doing when he chose you to be your kid’s parent. And you are not @Jane on Instagram nor are you your high school best friend who you haven’t seen since graduation, but from what you see on her most recent Facebook photo-dump, has her life and family and house all put together. You are a vessel, created by the Lord, filled with the Holy Spirit, ready to parent your sticky, stinky, snuggly little toddler like a pro. You are the right person for the job.

Because God has called and qualified YOU to raise YOUR tiny humans, you need to know there are primary and secondary doctrinal issues (even some that we as a church body we have chosen to “discuss not divide” on during a Sunday morning service) that need to be laid out in your home with a clear black and white divide while your kids are still young.

If you don’t take the time to define clear, Biblical truth and give your child boundaries, the world would love to define truth and give them some boundaries instead. What about that kid on the bus whose parents obviously let him have way too much unsupervised time on YouTube, or what about Ms. Rachel who is wishing everyone a “happy pride month”, or the Barbie Dreamhouse Series on Netflix encouraging your kid to “follow their heart”?

What about the self-proclaimed ‘mental health advocates’ flooding TikTok with zero credentials, but their voice is loud and it “feels” good, encouraging a whole generation of kids to “work through their generational trauma” and pushing them towards a victim mentality that, quite frankly, is creating a generation of people who are putting themselves at the center of the Gospel.

Or how about NBC's prime-time broadcast of the 2024 Olympics Opening Ceremony, which was trying to normalize the Babylonian-esque world we are living in and desensitize our families to it. It seems like everyone is ready to shove some doctrine down your kid’s throat; ready to make them feel guilty for being white, or Christian, or straight, and shaming them for not calling your Starbucks barista by his/her/their preferred pronoun.

Where Ms. Rachel and many other influential voices have missed the mark is in defining what “love” is. Yes, love is patient and kind. It does not envy or boast. It is not proud, or rude, or self-seeking. Love is when your friend tells you that you still have a little piece of cilantro in your teeth after you leave Chipotle. 

But love does not encourage complacency or folly and it certainly is not passive towards or permissive of sin.

Love is chasing down and screaming to your child who is running towards a busy street and is about to get hit by a truck. Love is refusing to allow your 4 year old child to “identify” as something other than who God created them to be (“I know you really want to keep pretending to be a kitty today, but God decided long before you were born that he wanted to create you to be a smart and funny girl, so let’s go put the ears and tail back in the toy box and eat dinner at the table with the rest of our family.”). Love is defining marriage to your 1st grader as a covenant between one man and one woman.

And love is teaching your kids that though, in the moment, sin might feel good, the devil is a liar and that sin always leads to death and separation from God. Love is setting and upholding clearly defined, “black and white” rules and boundaries that intentionally create a firm foundation for your child, that isn’t defined by a child’s ever-changing feelings or opinion but on the truth of God’s world and God’s word.

Until your kid has developed logic and reasoning skills, which doesn’t happen until somewhere between ages 7-11 (Google “cognitive development stages” for more info on this), giving them clearly defined boundaries isn’t legalistic, it's just good parenting. The opposite of this so called “legalistic” parenting style is child abuse. Your kid doesn’t “feel like” wearing their seatbelt and you allow them to not buckle while you drive? Jail. Your 5 year old girl wants to start being referred to as a boy, you let her take hormones, and start medically transitioning her? Jail. You aren’t giving them “freedom to express themself,” but rather are throwing them out into stormy, shark-infested waters without a life jacket or prior swimming experience.

It isn’t until someone is about 25 that their prefrontal cortex is fully formed and their logic and reasoning skills are ready to roll. Kids do some dumb stuff, because scientifically, they can’t help it. But I don’t have an excuse for parents whose cognitive development is complete and yet who refuse to define boundaries for toddlers and preschoolers, instead focusing on validating their kid’s feelings, spending time trying to reason with their kid before that kid literally can comprehend the “why”.

What separates Biblical parenting from actual legalism is opening the door to conversations that promote logical understanding and encourage kids to ask questions at the developmentally appropriate time. But before approximately age 7 - before their brain is ready for those conversations - kids need black and white, clearly defined boundaries that lay a firm foundation for their “house” to be built on.

Once your kid hits that third stage of brain development, somewhere between ages 7 to 11, their foundation is built and their walls have to start going up. It’s then that you start to pull back a little on the black and white  rules and exchange them with some “gray” conversation. You welcome and encourage their questions about ‘why?’ and ‘why not?’. You start responding with thought provoking, open-ended questions instead of clear, direct statements. (“Hmm…that’s a great question. What do you think?”) You start being able to have conversations about why their uncle wants to marry another man - sin - and you teach them how to love their uncle without loving his sin. It’s then that you take the time to teach them the why. You teach them who defines truth and where to find it. It’s in those conversations that you kid learns why they believe what they believe and in which they are equipped to go out into this crazy world to stand for clear, Biblical truth.

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” - Matthew 7:24-27