Satire: Self-Treating ADHDer Rescued After Spending a Week Trapped Under Weighted Blankets
Rescue teams finally freed Attila Muretti last night after he spent a week trapped under 11 weighted blankets.
The 24-year-old student from Berkhamsted, who was treating his ADHD with the use of heavy bead-filled blankets, was discovered in his room seven days after overloading himself with over 280kg of weighted blankets.
Search teams confirmed that nine 20kg weighted blankets and two 50kg blankets were found on top of him.
“The final blanket, we think, was purchased on the black market,” said a local police spokesman. “With the rise in self-diagnosing students, there’s no shortage of blanket makers waiting to exploit them!” The student’s housemates have been questioned regarding how Attila managed to drag the final blanket into place but have denied any involvement. One housemate, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, “We wanted to support our friend, not crush him!”
Search teams discovered Muretti after they “noticed straws sticking out from under the blanket.” It’s believed that Muretti had been using paper straws to funnel air to his entombed body before losing consciousness on days five. Muretti is recovering in the hospital alongside other students injured by the weight of their own self-diagnoses.
The Student Union said, “We are delighted to celebrate the rescue of a beloved member of the ADHD community. Muretti is lucky to be alive. We have also issued guidance on how to use weighted blankets responsibly.”
Muretti was reported missing last Thursday when he failed to attend an ADHD community support group. However, a campus-wide search yielded no clues to his whereabouts. His bed was never searched by rescue teams due to the “insurmountable effort required to move the weighted blankets.”
