Dear Whiney Mommy Blogs... Here's What To Do When No-One Notices Your Hard Work

I was scrolling social media last week when I saw an Instagram reel bemoaning the “invisible workload” that women bear. You know the type. Picture a first-world housewife sadly but gracefully folding a basket of clean laundry. She sighs deeply and gazes out a window. Instrumental piano music that could make you weep underlines the fact that this woman is miserable. A complete martyr. The caption: ‘That feeling when you work like a slave all day, but know that everything that you do will be undone by the time your husband gets home from work, and no one will ever notice how much you do. That’s the invisible workload that women carry.’ It wasn’t unique. I’ve seen hundreds of them. But the phrase “invisible workload” stuck out to me for the first time, and it made me walk down a dangerous line of thought.

First, I humbly suggest that if you have time to craft a video of yourself for the internet whining about how much of your life is wasted on petty housework, you don’t have nearly enough petty housework to do. 

Secondly and more importantly: there absolutely is a measure of “invisibility” in the work that women specifically are called to in the home. This invisibility is not inherently something to be despised. On the contrary, invisible work is the call of every believer. Christ warns us to “beware of practicing [our] righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then [we] will have no reward from [our] Father who is in heaven.” Instead, he encourages us that our Father is very able to “see what is done in secret”, and will reward us for those works. (Matthew 6:1-4) 

Thirdly, if your tasks feel “invisible” it’s probably because they’re being done well. If you skip laundry a few weeks in a row, there’s not gonna be anything invisible about it. If you throw grocery shopping to the wind, everyone will be talking about it before long. Personally, if I don’t go down to the basement playroom for a few days in a row, it’s the most visible thing anyone has ever seen. If your family exists in a world where they don’t even notice the floors, bathrooms, groceries, dustless surfaces, closets, etc…you’re probably doing it right. 

There’s a sin issue at the root of all this. In a way, whiney blogs and social media posts are to women as pornography is to men. They create a false sense of community based around sinful behavior, tempting you to neglect your real life and rendering you impotent in the areas that you’ve been called to image Christ and glorify God. They might make you feel better for a time, providing a pressure-release valve for your pent up frustration, but the resulting fruit from making this a habit is barrenness. 

It will prevent our homes, marriages, and relationships from flourishing and it has the power to kill it where it does. We can, and should, combat this ungrateful attitude whenever it crops up in our lives.

There are a few diagnostic questions that you can ask yourself if you sense that you’ve been prey to the spirit of ingratitude behind the “invisible workload” vents online. 

Why do I resent doing “invisible work”?

There are certain tasks that we’ve been conditioned to view as “lesser” than others. Scrubbing toilets. Cooking lunch for toddlers. Sweeping the garage. Who do you think should have the responsibility to perform those tasks? Why not you? Philippians 2 encourages us to “[Do] nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Phil 2:3-8). I know that laundry gets a little boring, but it’s significantly more fun than death on a cross. Take heart - and maybe buy a fun new fabric softener to make it more enjoyable.

Why is my view of the significance of my tasks so low?

Do you have a low vision for what you are accomplishing with your life? Do you know what your goal is? If you are a stay-at-home wife and mother, you are feeding, clothing, and wiping the snot off the noses of eternal souls. You’re establishing family culture. You’re creating core memories in your children. When they are asked as adults, “what was your childhood like?”, those memories will be laced with grocery store trips, laundry parties, meals around the table. Your joy, or your begrudging bitterness, will be the filter that they see those memories through. Your marriage can be a peaceful and joyful partnership, or you can resent your husband and be jealous that his “invisible work” (because EVERYONE does invisible work, no matter where they clock in) is somehow better and more fulfilling than your own. Jesus dignifies “invisible” acts of service in Matthew 25:40, saying that “as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Your work is not insignificant. It is eternal.

Who do I wish would take notice of my work?

Whose recognition do you desire? Your husband? Your children? Chances are, what you do doesn’t actually go as unnoticed as you feel it does. And even if it does, so what? Does your husband grouch around after mowing the lawn if you haven’t given him a standing ovation? Do you stand by the curb so that you can tell the garbage man that he’s doing a great job every Wednesday morning? Do you praise your kids every time they don’t use too much toilet paper and cause a plumbing failure? Maybe the first few times. But not as a rule. Our lives are firmly established on everyone we come in contact with performing their tasks without applause or recognition, simply because it is their duty. Expressed gratitude is a sweet gift when it is given freely, not pried out of someone’s hands at gunpoint. If you desire someone else’s notice for your tasks, you might be in danger of “practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them” (Matthew 6). 

If you’ve become resentful, or just tired, feeling like your days are a treadmill of the same tasks over and over again, let Matthew 6 encourage you again:

“Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” (Matthew 6:2-4)

When you give to your children, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. 

When you cook for your husband, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.

When you fold the laundry, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.

Before a Heavenly Father who sees what is done in secret, there is no invisible work. Every gift, every act, and every sacrifice is noticed…and has eternal significance. 

P.S. Your laundry probably needs to be taken out of the dryer now. You’re welcome.