Why Men Should Not Be 'Vulnerable'
A recent video made the rounds on Twitter showing a group of about twenty or so middle-aged white men bathing in a steaming hot spring. As a woman’s voiceover sings the mournful lyrics, “And I cry…” the mostly-naked men weep like babies in each other’s arms. The post claims that the men paid $10,000 to be there.
This is a “masculinity retreat” that costs $10k 💀
— Clown World ™ 🤡 (@ClownWorld_) July 3, 2024
pic.twitter.com/5rr3Je96dM
Events like this are the product of 60 years of feminism and fatherlessness that have deceived men about how to be men. As a result of this disastrous combination, today our society no longer prizes the traditional masculine values of stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and aggression—values which built the Christian West. In fact in its official 2019 guidelines, the American Psychological Association described these traits as “harmful.”
Instead, men are discipled in a “kinder, gentler” masculinity. This modernized version of manhood emphasizes sensitivity, openness, empathy, and most of all vulnerability: the kind of vulnerability that leads men to strip down, get in the womb-like water, and cry with each other on-camera.
I have a counterproposal: Let's stop using the word “vulnerability” in relation to men. Forever.
The root of the word is from the Latin vulnus, or wound, and men are not valued for our woundedness, nor for our ability to be wounded. And any claim otherwise is driven by a socio-political, cultural and, yes, religious environment that aims to keep men weak.
A man in a “vulnerable” state is a man in a confessional state. He’s always prepared to share his innermost thoughts and feelings, sensitive beliefs, and life history, among other things. Sounds good, right?
It’s not, because it hides a trick. A good man would agree to share such things out of a desire to be understood - and thereby respected - and thus vulnerability appeals because we imagine if we share our deepest motivations, we will receive such understanding and respect. But this almost never happens from those who demand “vulnerability” from men.
Instead, vulnerability is often used against men. They do end up understood, but that understanding provides leverage for manipulation.
Maybe this isn’t the original intention. But a man in an open, confessional state is there to be taken advantage of.
Rather than this term, the good side of “Vulnerability” at which we are aiming would be better seen as a constellation of other virtues, each of which are good in themselves and less susceptible to manipulation. I prefer the following terms, which embody traits men have always been valued for:
- Insight
- Courage
- Wisdom
- Generosity
- Perspective
- Authenticity
- Self-knowledge
- And one more: “Emotional accessibility”
That last term might be unfamiliar. Let’s unpack it.
EMOTIONAL ACCESSIBILITY
Whilst being “vulnerable” means the ability to be wounded, being “emotionally accessible” means being in a state to access our emotions. Unlike vulnerability which merely sits there, waiting, access can be turned on or off.
So instead of "vulnerable sharing," we can use masculine courage to express our authentic self-knowledge. We can offer insight into ourselves from a place of generosity. Or we can give someone our perspectives on joy, pain, and frustration from our emotional accessibility. And thankfully when we feel like the person we're talking to isn’t honoring our expression as a gift, we can revoke that emotional accessibility as easily as we gave it.
Do you see the difference? “Vulnerability” risks putting the other person in control of us. “Emotional accessibility” puts us in control of ourselves.This is why I now stop mid-sentence if I catch myself using the term ‘vulnerability.’ It’s essential for men not to merely express their emotions, but to control them. Though confession is a biblical principle, this should primarily be directed towards those in spiritual authority or those who have been sinned against, and not merely to anyone who wants to hear.
This attitude towards men's emotional self-control is reflected throughout God's Word. Here are a few examples that you may recognize, but perhaps have never thought of in this way:
Proverbs 29:11 - "A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back."
Proverbs 25:28 - "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls."
2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
James 1:20 - "For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."
Now some might protest that they know verses which appear to contradict the above, and provide there own list with examples, such as:
Psalm 6:6 - "I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping."
Genesis 45:2 - "And [Joseph] wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it."
John 11:35 - "Jesus wept."
Bur rather than being contradictions,, we in fact see the essence of emotional accessibility between these two sets of verses.
In the examples given, David is crying out to God for deliverance from his enemies, Joseph is witnessing God's providence in being reunited with his brothers, and Jesus is showing love for His friends while demonstrating His profound compassion for the human experience of death.
Yet what we admire about David, Joseph, and Jesus as men is not that they walked around as weeping emotional wrecks. Rather, they knew the appropriate time and place to show sincere emotion. They knew when to share their inner selves and, most importantly, with whom: friends, brothers, and especially God. And in the subsequent chapters, they’ve gone back to work. David is calling for the destruction of his enemies in Psalm 7. Joseph has sent a caravan for his father Jacob in Genesis 46. And Jesus is triumphantly going up to Jerusalem to redeem us poor sinners in John 12.
This is how men's emotions are woven into the lives and words of Solomon, Paul, James, David, Joseph, and Jesus. What we see in them is not what I would term as ‘vulnerability’ - it is emotional accessibility, which pairs with their legendary courage, wisdom, generosity, and more.
So to my brothers in Christ I ask: will we be "vulnerable" because some book or a guest on Oprah told us to? Or will we access our emotions and offer them as a gift to those we love, including the God who gave them to us?