The Lie of Christian Niceness

Have you heard people say something along the lines of, “If Christians were nicer, then more people would attend church!”? This is almost a default idea in our society today. It’s often an ambiguous, broad accusation that leaves many Christians confused and timid –like they’re violating an unwritten 11th commandment, “Thou Shalt be Nice.” The details of how and where that applies, though, are often scant. 

Christians should not forget the encouragement of Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted…” Though we do have an obligation to be kind, we also have to understand what the world means when it says, “Christians need to be nice.” We cannot accept a definition of kindness that means “unwilling to confront people in their sin.” 

Ephesians 4:32 needs to be evaluated in light of the surrounding verses, particularly verse 25: “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor…” Given clear instruction here, we are encouraged to “put away falsehood” and to “speak the truth.” This verse helps explain the lie of Christian niceness; namely, that the nice–and therefore Christian–thing to do is to hide spiritual realities and truth from people who aren’t ready to receive them. 

In ministry, I’ve experienced that the messenger is often ridiculed, not because of the presentation, but because of the message. This can be the case regardless of how it is presented (which is not to excuse presentations that do cross the line). Often the style of the presentation and the one presenting it will come under attack–“I didn’t like his tone”–but it is in fact the message itself that causes hostility.  

Some Christians fall for this, however, and would have us believe that if we simply unlocked the key to “niceness” then scores of people would come to faith. This is untrue. Practically, there’s no evidence that some mythical church which strikes some perfect balance between niceness and truth can actually exist, as the world would not agree on what that looks like. Theologically, there’s no reason to believe that being nice, as the world defines it, facilitates genuine conversion. 

Christlike behavior can absolutely help develop relationships with lost people, and we’re called to live in such a way that even the unbelieving world cannot accuse us. But what is the Biblical motivation for this? To give us the best opportunity to declare the whole truth of the Gospel.

It is in this moment of declarative truth that the lie of “Christian niceness” needs to be challenged. We must decide whether it’s more important to maintain status as a “nice person” or confront the idols of the world, put away the falsehood of relativism, and speak Gospel truth to our neighbors. 

In our presentation of the Gospel, we Christians must be perfectly clear regarding the reality of sin and our need for repentance that leads to salvation. Christians should surround this firm, foundational truth with a life full of kindness, compassion, and mercy. Churches should be friendly and embrace people from all walks of life while still presenting a clear, unadulterated Gospel. When we act this way, we can rest assured that we have been faithful to both Ephesians 4 verses 25 and 32. We may not be called “nice”, but we will be told “well done, good and faithful servant.”